


Murder lizards are never a good idea

by Crimsoncat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Dinosaurs, F/F, Gen, General Avengers insanity, blackhill - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7329679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crimsoncat/pseuds/Crimsoncat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts innocently enough. So innocently that no one actually even notices that something is starting. Later they will look back on this moment with disbelief, amazed at how blind they were. But at the time no one is paying close enough attention.</p><p>Or, the time Tony almost kills them with dinosaurs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Murder lizards are never a good idea

**Author's Note:**

> I typed this out on my phone, so apologies in advance for any typos or mistaken auto corrects that I didn't catch. I'm fixing them as I find them. My phone likes to "help". It's never actually helpful.

It starts innocently enough. So innocently that no one actually even _notices_ that something is starting. Later they will look back on this moment with disbelief, amazed at how blind they were. But at the time no one is paying close enough attention.

It's a slow, lazy Tuesday afternoon. There aren't any aliens attacking the city. No super villains trying to do whatever the fuck it is they're trying to do this week. No one has been body snatched or mind controlled or replaced with an evil clone. Natasha even made everyone pancakes for breakfast. It's been a good day.

(Which might be another reason no one saw it coming. Everyone was happy, and peaceful, and not looking for anything that would intrude on their perfect day off.)

They're gathered in the media room watching Jurassic Park when it happens. Because it's on the **long** list of voted upon 'classics' that Steve hasn't seen yet. Also - dinosaurs. They're all home together, which doesn't happen often enough. Even rarer is when they're all home together and the world isn't in peril.

"I can't believe those idiots made raptors." Natasha says, laughing when the raptor jumps into the reflective metal surface instead of the delicious human child it was aiming for.

"Of course they made raptors." Clint scoffs. "Raptors are fucking _cool_."

"A bit less cool when they're trying to eat your face." Natasha remarks, flicking a piece of popcorn at him.

"Slightly less cool at that point." Clint agrees easily, waving his hand ineffectually at the steady stream of under cooked popcorn kernels that ping off of his head.

"Thank God they can't actually make dinosaurs." Steve mutters.

Thor turns away from the TV, frowning. "They cannot? Truly?"

"Gods I hope not." Natasha groans. "If someone made dinosaurs, and something went wrong, we're the ones they'd call to clean up their fucking mess."

"Could Asgardians?" Bruce asks curiously.

"I would imagine so." Thor says with a shrug.

No one notices that Tony is uncharacteristically quiet. Or the soft frown of concentration he wears as he stares at the TV without really seeing it. The others refocus on the movie and Tony's mind continues to work dangerously.

 

*

 

Seven weeks later they're in the dining room eating dinner when Tony proves that he should be monitored at all times. He saunters into the room and puts something on the dining room table, stepping back with a grin on his face.

"Tony." Natasha is the first to regain the power of speech after a few moments. Everyone else is still staring, mouths open in shock. "I think I speak for everyone when I say this.. What the **_actual_ ** fuck?!"

"Oh my god this is so cool!" Clint exclaims, Natasha's voice startling him back to reality.

Bruce tries to speak, he really does. But his mouth just opens and closes and no words come out. He points to Tony, makes a strangled sound, and points to the little brontosaurus on their table. It's about the size of a kitten, and it's ridiculously adorable.

"What is this creature?" Thor asks, reaching his hand out to the tiny dinosaur. It sniffs him cautiously and sneezes, making Clint squeak in delight.

"It's a dinosaur." Natasha tells him. "A tiny, pocket sized dinosaur.

"Well, we don't really have the room for a full sized brontosaurus." Tony shrugs, still grinning. "I tweaked it a little."

"You said it was hypothetical!" Bruce almost screams, finally finding his voice.

Tony frowns at him, confused. "You believed that? I thought you were just covering your ass."

"Wait, you _helped_ him?" Steve exclaims. "You're supposed to be the _good_ mad scientist! You're supposed to keep the other mad scientist from doing anything crazy. **Like making a dinosaur!** "

"He just.. Asked a lot of questions. He said he was curious because of the movie! It was a fun problem solving exercise." Natasha shakes her head at him, making Bruce repeat himself more desperately. "It was a fun problem solving exercise!" He sounds a little frantic.

"I'm going to name it Jack." Clint announces as if no one had said anything.

"That's a ridiculous name for a dinosaur. And we aren't keeping it!" Natasha tells him firmly.

Clint sighs. "Aww, man. When am I ever going to get the chance to own a pet dinosaur again? Stop killing my dreams, Romanoff!"

"You want me to what, put it down?" Tony asks incredulously. "Do you have any idea what it cost to make? And how huge of a jump this is for so many different fields of study?"

"It licked me!" Clint's voice is shrieky, like he is overloading on pure joy. (Which is actually probably very close to what's happening.)

"It seems rather harmless." Thor comments, reaching out again to pet the tiny little head with his index finger. "Surely something this small can't cause so much trouble that we must slaughter it only for the crime of existing."

Five heads turn towards Steve, who sighs deeply. As the leader of their little team they're looking to see what he decides. (Though he sincerely doubts if he tells them to get rid of it that Tony will let it be put to sleep without a fuss.)

"Fine." He mutters. "We can keep it."

Clint whoops happily, gathering the little dinosaur into his arms. "You hear that, Jack? You're an Avenger!"

Natasha snorts. "What's he going to do? Lick our enemies to death? And we're not calling that damn thing Jack."

"It's a she." Tony tells her absently.

"There you go. We can't name her Jack." Natasha nods as though the matter is settled.

"We can call her Jackie." Clint says stubbornly as he carefully puts her back on the table.

"We need a name that strikes fear in the hearts of our enemies." Thor insists.

They argue about it for a good twenty minutes while the tiny brontosaurus wanders around the table. She finds the bowl of salad and dips her long neck over the edge of the salad bowl, helping herself to some of the lettuce.

(They can't agree on a name. Jackie wins by default. Tony makes her a tiny little collar by the end of the night with a tag that says **JACKIE** on it, making it official. The Avengers have a pet dinosaur named Jackie now.)

 

*

 

Pepper reacts better than Tony expected when he introduces her to his little miracle of science. She knows Tony too well. She isn't really surprised that he's created a dinosaur.

("Honestly, it was just a matter of time." She tells Maria later. "Of all the things on the 'shit Tony will eventually do that may kill us all' list, this is actually one of the minor ones.")

 

Fury surprises Tony with his nonchalance. He pats the little dinosaur carefully and asks if it's house trained. (It's really fucking hard to shock Nick Fury.) Though he does mention that they should probably think about hiring someone to keep an eye on Tony's activities.

 

Coulson does not want the job of babysitting Tony Stark, and makes sure to tell Fury this in no uncertain terms. But he loves the little dinosaur and helps Clint try and teach it tricks.

 

Maria just wants to know why it keeps chewing on her clothing.

("It's because you smell so good." Natasha tells her with a smirk.)

 

*

 

"You didn't." Bruce groans loudly. "Please tell me I'm hallucinating."

"Why would you be hallucinating?" Tony asks, confused.

"I don't know, Tony!" Bruce snaps. "But it's easier to come up with an explanation for hallucinations than it is to explain why you made **more dinosaurs!** "

Tony frowns, turning to look at the little enclosure he has set up in the corner of his lab. Five tiny raptors run around their cage. "Thor had a point. Jackie isn't really going to strike fear in the hearts of our enemies."

Bruce is staring at Tony like he has three heads when he turns back to him. "You are insane."

"No, I'm not." Tony tells him seriously. "My father had me tested." Bruce blinks. He can't tell if Tony is kidding or not. A loud zap draws his attention and Bruce turns back to the cage. The raptors are testing the bars.

"They do that." Tony says, seeing Bruce's worried look. "It's ok. They can't get out. It's electrified and reinforced and it goes ten feet into the floor."

"Tony, we can't have raptors!" Bruce exclaims.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you Bruce. Because we **do** have raptors."

 

*

 

"Remember when we watched Jurassic Park?" Natasha asks as they all stare at the little raptors in shock.

"Yeah?" Tony cocks his head, wondering where she's going with this. He'd brought the rest of the team down to see the raptors since he didn't have a way to safely transport them upstairs.

"Remember when I said 'I can't believe those idiots made raptors?'"

"Yeah?"

"I can't believe you made raptors." Natasha pauses. "You fucking idiot." She adds for good measure.

Even Clint, who Tony expected to be excited, looks concerned. "What if they escape and eat Jackie?" He asks.

"They can't escape." Tony assures him. "And once we figure out how to train them, they won't eat Jackie."

"Uh." Steve turns away from the little raptors so he can look at Tony. "Do you know how to train raptors?"

"I made them." Tony rolls his eyes. "How much harder can it be to train them?"

"This turn of events seems remarkably similar to the film we watched." Thor notes. "I hope this doesn't end as poorly."

"I'm going to stay with Maria for a bit." Natasha decides.

 

*

 

"Remember when I said this wasn't the worst thing on the 'shit Tony will eventually do that may kill us all' list?" Pepper asks Maria.

"Sure do." Maria responds.

"I may have spoken too soon."

 

*

 

It takes four days for the shit to hit the fan. Natasha and Maria are sitting on Maria's couch watching bad TV when Maria gets the call. It's not quite the middle of the night. But it's late enough that there's no way her phone is ringing for happy reasons. Natasha mutes the TV with a sigh as the brunette answers her phone.

"Hill. Yes, sir." She is quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry, he did _what_?" Natasha can hear enough of the conversation to know it's Fury calling, but she can't make out what he's actually saying.

Maria's eyes widen slightly and she glances at Natasha. The assassin sighs and swings her feet out of Maria's lap. Nothing good comes from that look, and Natasha figures she is probably going to need her pants. Natasha hates pants, and tends not to wear them in the safety of her own home (or Maria's) unless there are other people there. (And even then, sometimes she doesn't care enough to get dressed.) But that look means they have work to do, and pants are always handy when you're doing crazy Avengers shit.

"Got it." She hears Maria say as she grabs her jeans from the back of the couch. "We'll be there as soon as we can."

"It's the fucking raptors, isn't it?" Natasha asks once Maria has hung up the phone.

Maria massages her temple for a minute, a sign that she's getting a headache. Natasha rummages through the drawer on the coffee table, pulls out the bottle of aspirin they keep there, and hands it to Maria. This earns her a small smile. "Apparently he _forgot_ he had five tiny murderous reptiles in a cage in the lab. He overloaded the circuits while working on one of his other projects, caused a power surge, and fried the electric part of his electric fence." Maria pops two aspirin into her mouth and reaches for her glass of water.

Natasha just stares at her in disbelief. "He.. What?"

"Pretty much."

"How did Fury find out about it?" Natasha asks.

"Apparently Clint called in a panic for backup. They almost got Jackie."

Natasha groans loudly. "This is why you don't make fucking raptors!" She say as she turns her cell back on.

Natasha isn't an idiot. She knew this was going to go badly. It was why she was currently staying with her girlfriend instead of going home to her apartment at the Avengers tower. She had also started turning her phone off while she was at Maria's, figuring that if Tony was stupid enough to make raptors he could deal with them when they escaped. Sure enough, she has four missed calls and more texts than she wants to deal with. The texts are all from Clint.

 

_He blew out the electrical fence! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! Help!_

_NATASHA ROMANOFF YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND HELP US!_

_They almost got Jackie!!!!!!!!_

_Omfg can you please stop fucking Maria long enough to save my life?!?!?_

_The kitchen belongs to them now. We're losing a lot of ground here._

_I'm sorry for everything I ever said/did that made you mad. Please help us._

 

Natasha stops reading and fires off a quick text as they walk out the door.

 

_We're on our way. What's your status?_

 

Her phone makes the wooshing sound that reminds her of an arrow flying through the air, and she glances down to read Clint's text.

 

_KsDd8!¥%%_

 

Maria and Natasha exchange a look and then they both move a bit faster.

 

*

 

The only good thing is that Bruce isn't home when the raptors make their break for freedom. He's off giving a lecture at a university in the Midwest, so they don't need to worry about the Hulk on top of the tiny little murder lizards.

Natasha and Maria both have their weapons drawn when they step slowly off the elevator onto the main level of the Avengers apartments. The door at the top of the staircase that leads to Tony's lab is open, and there is a trail of blood leading into (or out of) the kitchen. Natasha stands guard while Maria takes a few moments to lock down the elevator. The last thing they need is these things getting out of the building if someone tries to use the elevator to escape.

The two women had discussed their options in the car on their way over. They both know enough about raptors (from the Jurassic Park series, of course) to know that they are dangerously intelligent. They knew better than to start screaming for the other Avengers. The plan is to move as quickly and quietly as possible, and hopefully find the others.

Natasha and Maria move like a well oiled machine. They know each other well enough to be able to anticipate what the other is thinking. This makes it much easier to communicate silently as they clear the main floor. They don't run into trouble until they reach the living room.

"Look out!" Clint calls out from somewhere in the room as they creep over the threshold. Natasha and Maria spin in opposite directions, and sure enough they have raptors coming at them from each side. They stand back to back, shooting at them.

The problem with tiny raptors is that they are tiny.

And also raptors.

They move _fast_. And they're small enough that they're almost impossible to hit when they're a moving target. Maria finally hits her mark when the raptor is less than a foot away. It pauses for a fraction of a second, getting ready to leap at her, and her bullet rips through it's little chest. Natasha isn't so lucky. Her raptor doesn't pause. It just leaps at her face.

Natasha's arm shoots up to protect her head, and the little murder lizard sinks it's teeth into her forearm. It bites down to the bone, making Natasha cry out. She doesn't typically scream in pain or surprise. But there is a fucking raptor chewing it's way through her arm, so she figures she deserves a pass on this one.

She grips it firmly behind the head with her other hand. Natasha handles it as though it were a snake, applying pressure to try and force it's jaw open. But it isn't a snake, it's a god damn raptor. If anything, it sinks it's teeth in deeper.

"Whatever you do, don't move." Maria murmurs softly.

Natasha glances up at her voice. She's moved around to Natasha's side and has her gun leveled at the little raptor. Natasha holds her arm out as far as she can and turns her head away. She hears Maria inhale deeply. She fires on the exhale, her bullet ripping off a large chunk of the raptor's head. Natasha is able to pull the dead raptor off her arm now, wincing as the teeth slide out of her flesh.

"Are you ok?" Maria asks as she gently examines Natasha's wound.

"Fan-fucking-tastic." Natasha hisses in pain as Maria turns her arm towards the light to get a better look.

There is a soft thud as Clint drops down from whatever high place he was hiding in. "Where's everyone else?" Natasha asks.

"I dunno." Clint shrugs, eyes skipping around the room as he tries to make sure the other three raptors don't sneak up on them. "The raptors came charging up out of the basement, and we got separated. I haven't seen Tony since it started. I think he's still down there."

Maria unbuttons her shirt and slides out of it, wrapping it tightly around Natasha's arm as a makeshift bandage. Her undershirt won't be the best protection against raptors, and she momentarily wishes they'd had time to drop by SHIELD and get some tactical gear. Natasha winces in pain when Maria ties it tightly.

"Thanks." Natasha manages. She's already bleeding through the shirt.

Maria frowns at the arm. "There should be dish towels in the kitchen. We can use one of those to try and stop the bleeding."

They move slowly into the kitchen where they find Steve (on top of the counter) and Thor (on top of the table). "You guys ok?" Maria asks, looking around for more raptors.

"One of them got my leg pretty good." Steve says. "But we're ok."

"I am happy to see you all alive and mostly unharmed." Thor says sincerely.

They both hop off their perches, and the three men stand lookout while Maria tends to Natasha's arm. She unties the shirt, replacing it with a thick, clean dish towel, and retying the shirt tightly around it to keep it in place. "That'll have to do for now." Maria says, sighing.

"Thanks, beautiful." Natasha smiles, leaning in to kiss her softly.

"Hate to interrupt, but we still have three raptors running around." Clint reminds them from his spot on the counter.

("High ground makes sense!" Clint had insisted as he hoisted himself up to crouch the counter. "I'll be able to see them coming."

"You just don't want any of them mauling your ankles." Natasha accused with a roll of her eyes.

"There's also that." Clint nodded.

Maria had lifted Natasha up on the counter, too. Ignoring the redhead's protests that she was fine on the ground. Maria wasn't willing to risk her getting injured a second time.

"One dinosaur mauling per lifetime, please."

Natasha relented, if only to ease the worried look in her gorgeous blue eyes.)

A loud explosion drew their attention to the open door to Tony's lab "I guess Tony's still alive." Clint remarks.

"He was, at least." Steve mutters with a sigh.

They move together towards the open door, five pairs of eyes looking out for alarmingly fast murder lizards.

 

*

 

They find Tony in the middle of his lab in his Iron Man suit. He'd been taken by surprise when the raptors escaped and it had taken him awhile to make it safely across the room to one of his suits. He's managed to take out the last three raptors, and everyone visibly relaxes when they realize all five are dead.

"Clint?" Natasha's voice is tight and panicked. "Where's Jackie?"

"I left her on top of one of the bookcases in the media room. I figured she'd be safe there." Clint assures her. "She's fine."

"Oh thank gods." Natasha exhales in relief.

 

*

 

While they're patching up Natasha's arm and Steve's leg in the living room, the two women find out what had happened after the electric fence stopped being an electric fence.

The little raptors chewed out of their cage in minutes ("Reinforced my ass." Natasha scoffs). It took a moment, but the sound finally pulled Tony's attention away from what he'd been working on. He turned around just in time to see the first one dash out. He'd barely made it on top of his work bench before they reached him. Tony spent a good twenty minutes swearing as they tried to figure out a way to get to him, and he tried to figure out how he was going to get across the room to a suit. **Without** getting mauled by his miracles of science.

Two of the raptors got tired of waiting and wandered off. They found the stairs and headed up to the main floor where they found Steve as he came out of the kitchen. They were on him before he had a chance to react, and his panicked shouts brought Thor and Clint running. Thor picked a lamp up off one of the tables in the hallway and swung it at the raptors.

He managed to get them off of Steve, and they flew through the air towards Clint. Clint yelped and dashed into the living room in an attempt to draw them away from his injured team mate (and also to get the fuck away from them). They chased him into the living room, where they were distracted by an unprotected Jackie. Clint adjusted his trajectory, snatching Jackie off the ground as the raptors leapt towards her. He barely got them both out of the way in time. From there he scaled the closest bookshelf, and he kept an eye on them from the top of the shelving unit while they circled him like sharks. This was when he called Fury and started frantically texting Natasha. Until one of the raptors figured out how to get up on the back of the couch and leapt at him from there.

It didn't get too close, but it got close enough to scare the shit out of him. Clint jerked away from the edge of his sanctuary and his phone slipped through his fingers. When it vibrated the little raptors pounced on it, trying to murder the electronic device.

While this was happening, Thor was trying to get Steve someplace safe. They made it into the kitchen where Thor helped him up on the counter. He'd been trying to get to a first aid kit when the raptors came dashing back into the room. He was forced to retreat to the safety of high ground, and had climbed up onto the table.

"You're all useless." Natasha said, laughing. "You're lucky Maria and I were around to save you." She takes a long pull from the bottle of vodka she snatched from the liquor cabinet as Maria starts cleaning out her wound.

"What did we learn from this Tony?" Maria's hands pause as she glances up at him for a moment before refocusing on what she's doing.

"Don't overload the circuits when you're holding murder lizards in an electrified cage?" Tony asks.

"Try again." Maria's voice is flat and ice cold.

"Uh." Tony thinks for a minute. "Don't _make_ murder lizards?"

"Ding ding ding. We have a winner!" Natasha deadpans sarcastically, drawing Tony's attention. He winces as Natasha hisses in pain and tries to squirm away when Maria applies a little too much pressure to her wound.

Maria frowns, gently cupping Natasha's cheek with her free hand. Natasha leans into the touch, eyes fluttering shut, a soft sound of distress escaping her. It's so quiet Maria feels it against her palm more than she hears it. It's a sound Natasha only makes for her, and it makes Maria's heart ache.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to a hospital to get this done? Or even back to SHIELD?" Maria asks her quietly. "They'll be able to numb your arm before they stitch it."

Natasha opens her eyes, blinking slowly. "I'm sure." She murmurs. "I'd rather you do it. Sorry, I didn't mean to move."

Maria kisses her softly, and then dips her head to kiss Natasha's arm just above her raptor bite. It looks absolutely horrific and Maria can only imagine how much it hurts. She understands why Natasha twitched away from her. Even after a lifetime of horrific injuries this is probably one of the more painful ones. It's not often that a raptor bites your arm deep enough to hit bone.

Clint wanders in then with the painkillers he had in his room, left over from his last major injury a handful of months earlier. Natasha accepts them gratefully, swallowing one down with her vodka. Maria starts stitching up Natasha's arm and silence settles around them.

"Is now a bad time to mention that I've been working on figuring out how to bring people back from the dead?" Tony says after a few minutes.

"Can Midgardians not do this already?" Thor asks curiously.

Steve just groans, burying his face in his hands.

Clint tilts his head. "Isn't that how you get zombies?"

Natasha glances up at Maria. "Can I come stay with you forever?" She asks with a quiet laugh.

Maria smiles at her. "Absolutely."

"And can we destroy our phones in case Stark starts a zombie apocalypse?"

"If we do that then we lose our early warning system." Maria says reasonably as she ties off the final stitch.

"Hmmm. Good point. We absolutely want to know when the zombies happen." Natasha agrees.

"Guys! Guys I was **kidding**!" Tony's panicked shouts draw their attention back to the rest of the group. Steve is leading the others down into Tony's lab.

"We're still taking away anything that can be used to make zombies." Clint tells Tony as they disappear downstairs.

Tony follows them. "You people used to have a sense of humor."

"That was before a _raptor_ tried to _eat_ me!" Steve shouts.

"It was just a **tiny** raptor. It would've gnawed off a limb at absolute worst." Tony defends his creations.

Natasha laughs, turning back to Maria with an amused smile. "Help me grab some stuff?"

It only takes 40 minutes for Natasha to pack up the things that matter to her and get them into Maria's car. After spending most of her life roaming the world as a spy and master assassin, she doesn't own a lot of things that she can't live without.

"Are you sure about this?" Maria asks as they get into the car.

"Live with my gorgeous girlfriend who makes amazing coffee and keeps me sane? Or live with the band of idiots who will one day be the death of me?" Natasha hums to herself. "Tough choice."

Maria laughs as she pulls away from the Avengers tower.

Clint calls twenty minutes later.

They don't pick up.


End file.
